Unless you had the fortune of growing up in a setting where healthy relationships were the norm, you probably had or have a mistaken idea of love. I’ve said it before, growing up I didn’t have the best of the references and while I don’t blame anyone for it, it impacted me. How much, I didn’t know until I found me in a relationship myself.
I’ve been in three relationships in my life, one long intense long-distance relationship full of ups and downs in which I loved, the way you can only love someone the first go round: recklessly. A fleeting one that taught me, because we couldn’t possibly be more different, that sometimes love grows in the space that exists between polarities. Most recent, a promising one that arrived in a moment when I knew enough about love to accept that despite being too alike, there was affection, but not enough to evolve.
So, while I’m far from an expert on the topic, I wanted to put together what I’ve learn about love in the last decade. A collection of learnings gathered by experience, on a trial an error basis and by observation, a lot of it.
Before I get into it, let me warn you. I’m writing about love, not infatuation or relationships; life has taught me they’re different things. Relationships are a set of mutual agreements and negotiations between two people that share their lives together. Infatuation is the first stage of any romantic relation, it’s a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong admiration for, or interest in someone, a strong and unreasoning attachment. Love, is commonly confused with infatuation, relationships, romance, passion, happiness; but true love, is a deep feeling.
Love is a partnership
We grew up watching movies that taught and reinforce the idea of soulmates. You know that idea that love is found with one specific person. What a terrible idea, imagine the disaster it would be if someone chose wrong and as a result, messed the algorithm for everyone else. In my mind the idea of finding ‘the love of your life’ has been replaced by choosing ‘a life partner’. Love is to accompany, to create, walk and share a life with someone, the good, the bad and everything in between.
Love is accepting, not idealizing
It is scientifically proven that during romance, our level of conscience lowers and we literally lose the ability to perceive the other person as it really is. Once that stage is over, we start seeing the flaws and that’s when we start trying to change them. At times, we find ourselves in love with the idea of a person, not the person itself. Love is the capacity to accept and respect the other person for who he/she is, for what he/she is not and for what he/she is never going to be. Love, in that line of thought, can be measured by our genuine and absolute resignation of trying to change the other person.
Love is a calculated decision
The popular term ‘falling in love’, implies that we are affected passive subjects and that love is a causal event rather than intentional action. At times love can hurt (not be sufferable) and while it comes with its risks, love is an active decision. Love is feeling terrified about the possibility of getting hurt because of our decision to bare our soul, to expose ourselves vulnerable and still, in the absolute exercise of our freedom choose the other person. Choose them because they’re worth the pain we’ll feel if they you decided to go. Love is the (daily) decision to hold unto someone and the (brave) decision to let go when it’s time.
Love is being with, not of someone
The concept of the ‘other-half’ suggests that we are not whole, leading us to think that the other person completes (instead of complement) us. We confuse love with attachment or possession and as a result withdraw freedom, which kills love. Love is the union of two independent and accountable individuals with different interests and opinions, who have the ability to live without each other and the freedom to leave and choose not to. Relationships require negotiations and agreements of course, but love is committing to what’s important for the other person, without sacrificing what’s important to you. Love opens doors for you instead of closing them.
Love is peace and well-being
The romanticized idea that love must be intense and passionate not only is unrealistic, but unhealthy. We confuse love with infatuation and forget that love endures after it, in the day to day, when waking up together is not as exciting anymore. Love is a source of peace, not to be confused with happiness, which can also be felt in unhealthy relationships. All relationships have a certain degree of conflict (different from living in it), but love doesn’t take away peace, doesn’t make you feel doubtful or anxious. Love provides joy, pleasure, and well-being.
Love isn’t static, nor enough
It is human nature to want to preserve something when we find something good, to want it to last a lifetime. However, as with anything else in life, love changes and isn’t static. In that sense, some relationships can survive, evolve, reinvent and others don’t; when that happens, love is not enough. That doesn’t mean that love wasn’t real, it just changed or stopped being it. If that happens, remember that we learn more about someone at the end of the relationship than at the beginning; so, to the extend that’s possible, walk away in good terms.
That’s it, the cumulative knowledge of my my twenties on love. I believe in the love, the real thing; which most people thinks is nonsense or nonexistence. The type where two people make each other laugh, share the same basic values, have each others back, guard each other blind spots and are a team. I believe in being willing to give, but also being willing to receive the same. I believe not only in loving, but in loving well.
I believe in love. In the mess of it, and the grace of it, and—frankly—in the mundanity of it.
Meg Fee
I believe that by committing to love we will inevitable know loss and grief, but I also believe that if we try to avoid loss and grief we will never truly love. I believe that love is one of the best feelings in the world and one of the best things that will ever happen to us and that while at times it could feel excruciating; let me tell you, it’s all worthy!
Unapologetic Thoughts 